Coming Out of the FOG
As an adoptee, recovered addict, recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, and therapist, I have had my own lived experience of, and often work with clients who are, “Coming Out of the FOG”. FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt and was popularized by Susan Forward, PhD, in her book Emotional Blackmail (1997). For many of us, this FOG is part of our deep behavioral and emotional conditioning and shapes who we are from the start of our lives. It’s how we learn to survive.
Populations
Individuals who commonly experience FOG are:
Adoptees
Individuals who grew up in foster or kinship care
Survivors of domestic violence or coercive control
Adult children of emotionally immature or narcissistic parents
Children of immigrants or first-generation adults
People raised in high-control or authoritarian religious environments
People who grew up parentified or in caretaking roles
Individuals from enmeshed or codependent family systems
People who experienced chronic invalidation or emotional neglect
People healing from people-pleasing or fawning trauma responses
Partners of individuals or family members with untreated mental illness or addiction
FOG Explained
Fear materializes as the belief that something bad will happen if you assert yourself. It becomes familiar over time which often leads us to confusing “familiarity” for “safety”. Common forms of fear can be:
Fear of abandonment or rejection
Fear of disappointing others
Fear of conflict or emotional withdrawal
Fear of being seen as ungrateful or disloyal
Fear of losing connection when you express needs or boundaries
This can look like avoidance, appeasement, perfectionism, hypervigilance, and self-erasure. Fear is a nervous system response that teaches us to shrink ourselves to stay safe.
Obligation is the internalized sense of responsibility, even when the duty is unclear, unfair, or one-sided. It can feel like a contract we never agreed to but still feel required to honor. Common forms of obligation can be:
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
Feeling indebted or that you may “owe” someone something
Feeling obligated to maintain harmony
Feeling pressure to be “easy”
Feeling responsible for keeping narratives others have assigned to you
This can look like over-functioning, role confusion, chronic caretaking, and self-abandonment. Obligation convinces us that our own worth is reliant on how we care for others.
Guilt arises when having needs, boundaries, or questions feels harmful to others. It’s the emotional pull that says we are wrong for just being human. Common forms of guilt can be:
Guilt for expressing one’s emotions and true feelings honestly
Guilt for feeling sadness, anger, and other emotions that create discomfort for others
Guilt for setting boundaries
Guilt for not meeting others’ expectations
Guilt for prioritizing your own healing
This can look like people-pleasing, self-silencing, emotional suppression, and shame activation cycles. Guilt keeps us small by enforcing the message that we are, and our needs are burdens.
Noticing the FOG
Sometimes we don’t choose when we start to notice the FOG, but once we do, it is hard to ignore. It can feel confusing, uncomfortable, or even terrifying because the systems that kept us “safe” before no longer work the way they used to.
Life events that can trigger coming out of the FOG:
Adoptee reunion or origin information
Sobriety
Major life transitions
Major relationship changes
Becoming a parent
Loss, grief, or crisis
Therapy or trauma-informed education (like this psychoeducational blog post😊)
Boundary attempts
Witnessing healthier relationships
Identity shifts
Internal exhaustion
Outside the FOG
When we come out of the FOG we start gaining perspective, building insight into our lives, and seeing things more clearly. Things that can help us while we are coming out of the FOG are:
Naming the pattern
Rebuilding self-trust
Practicing boundaries
Developing secure attachment skills
Therapy and trauma-informed education
Witnessing or experiencing healthy relationships
Reconnecting with authentic identity
Sitting with discomfort without shame
Holistic care
Supportive community
As you deepen trust in yourself, you begin to let go of the need for others to validate your choices. What feels right to you, your inner knowing becomes your reliable compass.
Personal Reflection
I was always afraid of being rejected and abandoned by others, but what I realized was that I was conditioned to consistently abandon myself. When I started practicing showing up for and prioritizing myself the way I always did for others, I eventually felt a great sense of relief after the initial feelings of FOG subsided (and lots of continued practice).
Unfortunately, that has also come at a cost to relationships that were used to me showing up a specific way, because it can be deeply uncomfortable for others when you change. They may not have the capacity to hold your new way of being, which can actualize our biggest fears. Growth can disrupt and destroy the roles others expect us to play. It takes courage to grow in the face of great risk. But why should it be such a risk for us to show up authentically? Others’ judgment, criticism, or defensiveness is often a sign of a limit to their current capacity and a reflection of their own unaddressed work and is not your responsibility to manage their capacity for your growth.
Coming out of the FOG is a slow, intentional, and sometimes painful life-long process that requires self-compassion, as well as compassion for others who are also learning to return home to themselves. It is a journey of reclaiming your autonomy and reconnecting with the core of who you are.
For those of you on this journey, welcome home. You are the one you’ve been waiting for. ❤️
Disclaimer:This content is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy, clinical assessment, or individualized mental health treatment.
